Despite the common conception of mothers being unconditionally caring, some mothers are not a pillar of support to their daughters. This type of behavior, while not physically abusive, still leaves scars on the life on their daughters.
This emotional burden should be processed. They need to overcome their insecurities and realize that they are worthy of love, in spite of the fact that they were never cherished in that way by their mothers.
Daughters should commit to a type of soul-searching: a difficult process which is very different for all women. They should be wary that the road to recovery is chaotic, filled with relapses and hard to stick with. Then again, if a daughter firmly decides to stay on it, she will be reborn and free from the toxicity of their unloving mothers.
Generally, the most difficult are the relapses by letting mothers into their lives, hoping they have changed and will make up for lost times. Ultimately, daughters get hurt again and fall in their cycle of despair and need for approval instead of becoming free.
The best course of action for daughters to overcome the absence of their mothers’ affection are the 5 phases of grief. It’s normal for this process to happen in a different way since every life was shaped in a different way.
Check out the 5 phases of grief and how they can serve to recover women from their harmful upbringing.
This stage is when the feelings of pain and loss are finally felt as they were meant to be explored, and it’s a critical stage to be in for as long as it takes. Society likes to tell people to “snap out of it” or to “stop being sad,” but it doesn’t work that way. To make it through this stage and get to the other side, these daughters need to cry and feel the loss for as long as it takes for them to be able to leave it behind.
For unloved daughters, this stage is another one that could last for many years much like denial. She believes that if she can accomplish certain things or act a certain way that she will eventually get the love and support from her mother that she desperately wants. However, no amount of work will gain the appreciation of an unloving mother, leaving the daughter helpless to make any changes. She has to be willing to stop bargaining to move forward.
This is a stage that most women are in for years or even decades. Some part of their mind is aware that there is a problem, but because they also recognize that the severity of the problem is more than they can handle, their brain shuts it out and refuses to acknowledge the issue as a way to avoid letting in more pain than can be controlled. For an unloved daughter, she doesn’t see how badly her mother has wounded her and denies her pain, often until her mother dies.
Typically, anger is the way raw pain is expressed, so even though the daughter may be more hurt and sad than angry; it comes out in anger. She could be mad at any number of targets, including her mother, her father, siblings that she believes were loved when she wasn’t, herself, God, or even life itself. Because this anger is covering other emotions, it is often irrational or illogical in its targets and intensity.
In many cases, the only way to get through this stage and to overcome the overwhelming amount of anger a daughter is experiencing is to forgive whoever or whatever she is angry with. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what that person did was ok, but it releases the hold that person has over the daughter and it allows the daughter to let go of the bitterness towards others that’s wounding her.
This is the phase when daughters accept the absence of a loving mother, the emotional damage they have experienced as a result, but not as if they approve of these past events. Instead, they take it as a part of their life that just happened, but will not hold them back anymore.
A daughter is now ready to create new relationships, because it means that she has truly recovered and has come to terms with her challenging experience in a proper way.
Daughters with unloving mothers can’t change their past, they can only accept it and let go. This is important to happen so that they can create a generational circle of love and care for their daughters, instead of passing on the torch of emotional pain.